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Fifty ways to leave your lover?

December 23, 2019

Just been listening to Paul Simon’s song ‘Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover’. I do like the song, but I thought once again – and I know lots of other people have made this point – that he doesn’t supply anything like fifty ways. Only five or six. And some of the ways aren’t even ways, really. ‘Make a new plan, Stan’. That’s not very helpful, is it?

Here are some additional suggestions: ‘Tell her you’re gay, Ray.’ (Or, if the man being advised is gay: ‘Tell him you’re straight, mate.’)

‘Pretend to be ill, Bill.’

‘Get sentenced to jail, Dale.’

‘Get her to chuck you, Hugh.’

‘Fake your own death, Seth.’

‘Go to bed with her sister, mister.’

That’s still only about twelve ways, including Simon’s rather vague policies, though. Any other ideas?

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4 Comments
  1. Be a snowflake, Jake

    Sleep with her nan, Stan

    Buy her a hen, Ben?! Haha

    Say she’s a fluke, Luke

    Tell her about sue, Drew

  2. Send her a text, Mex
    Go to Nepal, Saul
    Tell her she’s fat, Matt
    Just let her chill, Bill
    Go on a cruise, Zeus
    Take back the ring, Bing
    Ad nauseam… Sam

  3. Simon Carter permalink

    Eat chips in bed, Fred
    Let fly with a fart, Art
    Tell her she needs a wax, Max
    Forget her Birthday, Ray

  4. Mark Brafield permalink

    Here are a few that came to me whilst watching Manchester United dismantle Newcastle this afternoon. I accept that some of them are, as you say, reasons for leaving rather than techniques but, hey, it’s Christmas.

    Slide down the curtain, Burton
    Just walk out in style, Kyle
    Make a ladder with a sheet, Pete
    Say she’s just too gobby, Bobby
    Just put on your hat, Matt
    It’s all just got too messy, Jesse
    Abseil down the wall, Paul
    Your sex life is barren, Darren
    Let fly with the methane, Ethan (with apologies to Simon Carter)
    You’ve discovered God, Rod
    Go visit your Gran, Dan
    Go visit the zoo, Lou
    Just stride out that door, Gore
    Stay locked in the loo, Hugh
    It’s time to flee, Lee
    Time to end the games, James
    Conclude she’s a fake, Jake
    Detonate a bomb, Tom
    It’s you or the spaniel, Daniel
    She’s the rear of a bus, Gus
    Jump in a sleigh, Ray
    Can’t stand her halitosis, Moses
    You find she’s changed sex, Rex
    Put a sunny face on, Mason
    It’s just time to go, Joe
    Say she makes you puke, Luke
    Head off to a rave, Dave
    Say you’ve injured your prick, Dick
    Say you’ve injured your willy, Billy
    Say you’ve injured your back, Jack
    Say you’ve got the plague, Craig
    Say she’s hopeless in bed, Fred
    There’s just not time to tarry, Gary
    Things are getting sticky, Dicky

    and – my personal favourite (if I may)

    Say you’ve lost your libido, Guido

    That’s another 35. Does that help us get near the target ?

    Happy Christmas everybody !

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